Imperfect 

So I wholeheartedly believe that when you are growing as a person that there will be plenty of opportunities to exercise that new muscle. 

I struggle as a people pleaser, but mostly with the people closest to me. Their opinion weighs very heavily on my heart. And today I was given a prime opportunity to work that people pleasing muscle. To practice being ok with my imperfections. It was science day in our house and suffice it to say neither experiment went according to plan. But the kids had a great time and the videos were funny. 

Within 10 minutes of posting them two of my favorite people commented on how it should have been done. They were not being mean or critical at all. However I took it as a comment on my abilities as a parent. 

My first reaction was of shame (as if I had failed my kids because I didn’t do it right) and my second was defensive anger, I wanted to post a smart comment reminding them that I have a degree and the plan was to have fun which we succeeded in and that my kids are smart enough to know that part of the scientific method is trial and error. 

None of these responses would have helped me feel better or change the loved ones opinions. I know they were trying to give me tips for next time. However it took me a few minutes of internal ranting for my common sense to kick in.

My point? I take heart in the fact that I know my kids had a good day being silly and my friends and family enjoyed the funny videos. That’s what matters, and I let the negative feelings go before they acted out or hurt my heart. 

All in all, a WIN for me!  Hopefully next time it will be an even shorter process til I move on to the smiling and acceptance part. 

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Why not!?

There’s an old anecdote about a person asking God why he was chosen for an amazing path and Gods’ response was why not..

The Bible teaches that we can do all things through Christ who strengthens us. ( Phil: 4:13). So for me, a person who battles with anxiety and worth, to be chosen for what is an amazing life is almost breathtaking. 

The times when I am most confident is when sharing my journey and lifting up others so they can see the amazing person I see. So to be on the path to helping the people in my life and community see and value their own worth. It’s just a dream come true. 

I know that I’d mess this up terribly if left to my own devices. But thankfully God is in the pilot seat and he’s only commissioned me to love them and lift them up, encourage them and showbthem his love. 

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The Chapter..

It’s funny how if you have the courage to respond to a whisper.. even the least amount of courage, God will lead you in the right direction.

I took the next step and told my mentor about the whisper, and her response was.. well that’s odd I actually have an opportunity that I’d like to talk to you about. AND BAM.. I’m on the path.

Now who knows how this will turn out but I’ll be honest I’m more excited than nervous. All I have to do is JUMP, have faith in the process and believe that since God lead me to it, he will lead me through it. 

Special as they say

GERONIMO!

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The whisper

This is crazy… there’s no way…

I’ve been praying for months that God would show me my purpose. Show me how to bring meaning to my life. Show me the path that God had ordained for me and only me. When I quit my job a few months ago I just knew he was going to put me on some amazing path. And then it happened.. I heard the whisper.

I’ve always struggled with my weight but it’s a battle I just accepted I was always going to be fighting. I’m part of a group that helps and boy do they ever. They pick me up and dust me off they help me remember that I can keep fighting every day and take joy in the successes when they come.

Slowly like the tide coming in, the idea of doing something in the fitness field occurred to me. My gifts are loving people, believing in people, lifting them up and helping them see what I see in them. I love working out. And since I am on a personal journey to better overall health it occurs to me that working in the health and fitness field would serve so many causes.

But that’s crazy right? It’s not possible that this is what God has planned for me. I could never… where would I start? How would I get my friends and family up off the floor when I tell them this bat crap crazy idea? Who the hell would take fitness or health advice from me? 

But man would I love that… hmm..must percolate on this idea.. more to come.

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Food addiction

I have struggled with my weight for my whole life. I was never really a crazy diet  kind of girl. I’m a basic “eat less, move more” kind of girl. It’s simple math as far as I’m concerned. You simply cannot be overweight if you live a life that doesn’t allow it. So.. the understanding is there.
I know the right foods to eat, the foods to ignore or limit.
I know portion sizes.
I know the right mix of cardio and strength training.

Seems like I shouldn’t have a weight problem right?

I even had weight loss surgery in September of 2011. So why the hell am I still overweight?
Because I’m a food addict.

The American Society of Addiction Medicine define addiction as “Addiction is characterized by inability to consistently abstain, impairment in behavioral control, craving, diminished recognition of significant problems with one’s behaviors and interpersonal relationships, and a dysfunctional emotional response”.

What does that mean in my situation? It means simply that all the right information in the world doesn’t change my weight or uncontrollable eating. I’m great about working out but you can’t exercise your way out of a bad diet. So just like alcohol or heroin I need to practice sobriety one hour at a time and  just focus on the next right step. I can’t explain to anyone who hasn’t dealt with addiction how hard it is.

I would never imply an eating addiction is equal or worse than any other addiction. But it absolutely brings it’s own problems that make it feel impossible to recover from. It’s disheartening to know that I’ll never beat this. I’ll always have to keep my guard up around food. I’ll always have to fight the urge to react to stress by turning to food.

I guess the point of this post is to just say that while this will be a never ending battle. I’m in it to win it. To stay strong, to stay healthy and focus on how I feel rather than how my scale says I’m doing. This may be a long ass battle, but I’m going to win it. 

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Sadness

Yesterday was a beloved aunts birthday,  my aunt passed a few years ago (f@ck cancer). The first couple of birthdays were sucker punches you see coming but are powerless to stop. Yesterday I was ok and I thought ok good..finally I made it through a birthday without crying.

Then this morning a picture of her popped in my feed on facebook, and WHAM, I could hear her smile, hear the cute devilish look she would get when being silly. I thought about how incredibly loving and kind and brave she was her whole life.

She hadn’t had a easy life but you wouldn’t know it to talk to her, she was bubbly and optimistic. A constant ray of sunshine, this point is supported by the number of birthday messages that were on her old social media page.

I don’t know what you believe but I know I’m my heart that when you’re missing someone especially hard, God sends little reminders that death is not a final goodbye but rather a see you later. She left behind a huge void and it inspired many to step up the way we love.

Tomorrow I am going on a hike with my family and I am going to make a point to notice the sights and sounds around me. To enjoy the simple pleasure of the day, That will be my birthday present to her. To live my life the way she did, as if it’s precious.

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Surprise! Another post about my kids ;-)

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I read a book a while ago “the purpose driven life” and it lead me to seek out my passion, what inspires me, what am I obsessed with…

Well this may come as a shock to you my dear reader… but it’s my kids.. I just spent a very warm sunny Saturday traipsing all over six flags, it was hotter then hell but I had such a great time.

And I’ve been making a summer bucket list for me and the kids that I am looking so forward to. The thing is I LOVE spending time with them. They are no where near close to being my best friends, and they never will be but that’s another post, however they are absolutely my favorite kids in the world.

Now don’t misunderstand  all these “my kids are amazing ” posts. I REQUIRE alone time, I look forward to breaks from them and worship date nights and Yaya nights.  However I am quickly realizing that no matter what job I do or what career I’m pursuing. Being their mom is always going to be my favorite job.  I can’t think of anything that fills me with more joy.

They are my passion, they are my purpose.

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